Wednesday, 7 October 2009
I found a lump.
In my slightly shrivelled and not touched as much as it used to be left breast.
I wasn't overly concerned.
Sure it's just hormonal, I said to myself.
It'll be fine.
So, like an ostrich I went and buried my head in the sand.
Three weeks later, I had another feel and the lump was still there.
I mentioned it again to husband who insisted I go and get it checked.
So I did.
Surely the doctor would just tell me, it's hormonal/your age/your imagination?
But she didn't.
She sent me for a referral at a breast clinic.
I wasn't expecting that.
I left the doctors a bit shocked.
Not only because you have to use hygienic hand rub before you even touch the computer screen to arrive your appointment in case of swine flu, but because I really believed she would say, 'Come back if it hasn't gone after your period', or, 'No sorry, I can't feel a thing.' But she didn't. She said, 'Oh yes, it's there. I feel it.'
I really started to worry.
I Googled breast lumps, and worried myself even more. Mine felt a bit like a golf ball. That is bad. It didn't feel like a bit of raw carrot. This was good.
I kept chanting to myself, '90% of breast lumps are benign'.
But what if I was one of the 10%?
Every magazine I looked in seemed to have a story to do with cancer or dying. Every time I turned on the TV the same.
I read my daughter a bedtime story, and in it, the main characters mother is dead. At the end, my daughter turned to me and said, 'I am scared of you dying and me not knowing how to do anything.'
Was this all a sign?
I spent nights lying awake for hours writing letters in my head for my daughters to open when I wouldn't be there for their birthdays. I silently cried into my pillow that my youngest daughter wouldn't remember me if anything happened to me now.
Finally, after ten long days, my appointment arrived.
My lump turned out to just be hormonal thickening. The only recommendations were to take Evening Primrose Oil.
I feel so very very lucky.
I feel so very very sad for the 10% who aren't so lucky.