Thursday, 13 August 2009
We went to the beach last weekend and whilst there, I kept needing the loo.
The next morning I burst into tears, over nothing. Proper sobbing. And I still needed to wee. A lot.
Hmmm, I thought. The last time I felt like this....
I remember. The last time I felt like this...I was up the duff/with child/bun in the oven/PREGNANT.
My tummy flipped.
I headed off to Boots and purchased two pregnancy kits.
Just cheapy ones, their own brand. All the time thinking, nah, this isn't happening. I am imagining things.
I peed on the stick.
As the wee slowly absorbs up the stick, I'm thinking, 'This is so going to be negative. What a waste of money.'
A minute later.
Hello big blue cross. You appear to be telling me I'm pregnant.
Houston, we have a problem.
Or more like, husband, we have messed up.
Now, the other times I was pregnant, we had been trying, ooh for all of two seconds, but both were much wanted babies. This time, we hadn't been trying, just being very amorous. Using our preferred method of coitus interruptus, which has worked well so far for two and a half years.
Am I mad? Am I a teenager? Do I not understand the withdrawal method is far from reliable! Why, oh, why didn't I go for the coil?
This isn't in my life plan!
OK, so secretly I kind of like the idea of three children, but husband is so firmly against it, I have resigned myself to the fact it's never going to be, got used to it and imagined my life as a working woman from September when my littlest starts pre school three mornings a week.
I felt sick.
I wasn't sure I wanted this baby and that made me feel bad.
The others were so wanted.
What if I resented this baby because it was a mistake?
After baby number two I bled so badly for 9 weeks, the after pains were horrendous and it took two years to feel I could break wind without worrying, so bad were the piles (apologies people, too much detail).
Could my poor body cope with being turned inside out again?
Could I give three children the attention they need and deserve?
We would be poor.
We would be cramped.
I took the second test upstairs just to make sure.
I peed again.
Negative. No sign of a cross.
Hmmmmm. This has happened before. With baby number two I tested positive, negative, positive, negative and then positive again.
Next day, I buy two more tests, this time expensive ones. Test again. Negative.
OK. Feeling calmer now. Next morning I do the next one. It's negative again.
I go online. Still says if you get a positive you are very likely to be pregnant, as a false positive is so rare. I wait a few days, my period is bound to start. A week later, no sign of the decorators visiting.
I fork out for two more tests (they all seem to come in twin packs now).
Right that's it. If I was pregnant, it would definitely show up by now.
The weird thing is that by this time I am feeling sad.
I would quite like a baby. In fact, I really want to be pregnant and have a baaaaaaaaaaabbbby!!
I had talked myself into it. I was EXCITED. I was already thinking names and deciding the colour of the nursery.
Finally my period arrived. Ten days after the positive test.
It was such a weird feeling. A mixture of relief and utter sadness.
Two weeks after the event, I am being more practical. Perhaps in a year, I may try to persuade my husband to impregnate me. In the mean time, I must ask Boots for the £30 I spent on pregnancy tests back, as their test was quite clearly faulty...But for now, I am very thankful for the two gorgeous girls I already have.