I found comfort in a slice of chocolate fudge cake. Not homemade, I'm afraid, just goes to show what an underachieving housewife I am. Marks and Spencers (you must try it. Only £2 and absolutely finger licking good). It was the only thing that could lift the spirit now the Christmas chocolate orange has all been gobbled up.
So, what did prompt this little tearful episode on a grey Saturday afternoon? I am ashamed to admit I was once again feeling sorry for myself that I was home alone. Husband having a fab time playing football, me pounding the streets with the buggy trying to fill the hours. Like most days.
I know I need to get a grip. People are going through much worse. In Gaza, in hospitals up and down the country, in Africa, in Celeb Big Brother... But would you be so kind as to allow me my ten minutes...
It seems I am not alone in suffering grey days. Up to 52 per cent of women reported signs of depression during their child's first year, found a poll by website Netmums.com. OK, I am on year two, so I know I should be out of this by now. But what I found most interesting was that the report noted the difference in parenthood from our mothers days.
Many of us have babies later and give up successful careers, giving up positions of authority at work to be left home alone with little daily support. We may not live near our parents and don't have the kind of neighbourhood network where you can leave the children with friends while you go to the supermarket alone, or manage to have a child free dentist appointment.
I am in that situation. I live a few hundred miles from the nearest rellies, I have lovely neighbours but feel like I couldn't possibly impose. Ditto with friends. They have their own children they are struggling with, so how could I add to that so I can have a stress free shop at Waitrose?
The husband is out of the house from 7.30am 'til 6.45pm Monday to Friday. Saturday he plays football from 12.30pm - 5pm. So I feel pretty much alone all week. I have my playgroups, I go to friends houses for coffee and cakes, I am happy all week really, I have my days filled and planned. But come Saturday, I would love a break. I would love to spend time as a family, circa 1950. I would love to see my husband. Lean on him a bit. Take some of the weight off. Oh, and he is so good when he's around.
But he LOVES his football. If he doesn't play he gets moody. The exercise rejuvenates him, makes him glow with happiness. I could ask for anything when he gets back and I would get it. Please can you feed, bath, put the children to bed? Yes sireee. Please can you give me a massage, let me watch Grey's and feed me grapes, Yes siree. Can you give up football because it makes me feel lonely? Errrr, nope, not on your nelly, you selfish cow.
IF I lived near my mum, I know I wouldn't care if he went off to footy. I would be meeting up with her for lunch, going shopping, dropping the kids off whilst I go shopping. I'd go around for tea once a week, just for a break and a natter. I'd get a little part time job and ask her if she would mind looking after the kids whilst I worked two mornings a week, she'd say no problemo. My life would be completely different.
But for now. I seek solace in fudge cake, that tastes salty from my tears. And when it is finished, I do feel a bit better. When husband walks in I sing, 'All by myself...don't wannna be all by myself...anymoreeeeee, anymoreeee, anymoooooooooooreeeeeeeeeeeeeee' Bridget Jones style. He laughs. I laugh. It'll be OK. Before I know it I will be at work looking back on this time I have had alone with my children through rose tinted glasses saying, 'Wasn't it wonderful when we would spend all day walking around the town in your buggy, making buns, drawing pictures whilst daddy was out of the way at football....'
27 comments:
Oh, you've hit a nerve there. I must confess I'm loving almost every minute of this stay-at-home lark, but I understand exactly what you mean about the 'loss' of daily, adult contact. Work provides so much of that, plus status (and cash, of course - let's not forget the money) and although I'm not (yet) crying into my cup-cakes, there are times when I miss aspects of my former life. And being married to a hard-working teacher, there's not football but piles and piles of marking to contend with at the weekend. Let's go to M&S again, shall we?
Husband works full time and studies every evening and most weekends. He's at the library as I write. It is lonely, it is hard, I live near my mum so I do get that, but it has it's draw backs, it can feel suffocating, she has an opinion of (and view into)my life. We moved here to be closer to both sets of grandparents but sometimes I wish we lived far far away! I don't know, it's hard on everyone I suppose. But you're right, we'll look back and feel glad that we did it. You know, in the grand scheme of things it's not for long, and there are many many positives. I envy you having work to go back to one day, I left mine in London and don't think I've got the youthful enthusiasm to set it all up again in a few years time....Just realised this message isn't going to cheer you up one bit! Oh dear...pass me some cake MH
The Dotteral - Yes, M&S, we need to keep them afloat in this current economic crisis. I don't think I could manage if they went down the swanny and there was no more fudge cake. I miss cash, adult contact, status, etc, but I know I wouldn't swap it. I have done both, been a working mum and a stay at home mum. I love being a stay at home mum. I think I just want a perfect family life...I think I am ridiculous for even complaining...
MH - But your mother brings her own tea towel to sit on doesn't she? Bonkers! The grass is always greener, eh?
MH, who knows what I will go back to work and do, I spend many hours thinking about it, but I just know one day I will work again. Sending you a big slice off fudge cake through cyberspace. Thanks for the award. See I told you I wasn't very funny. I will try be cheerier next time! Oh, and yes, this time with the little ones is already flying by. And if it was that dreadful, would I even be contemplating baby number 3?? Hmm?
Big hugs all round; there is no doubt about it, it IS lonely and isolating sometimes.
p.s. well done on your award. I didn't wet myself on this occasion, but I have done so previously whilst reading your blog, and will undoubtedly do so again ;)
I really felt for you when I read your post. I have been both a full-time stay at home mum and a full-time working mum, and both of them were hard for different reasons. As you say the lack of adult contact, being financially independent, identity comes with being a SAHM. On the other hand, being a full time working mum was hard too: not enough hours inthe day, didn't see my children until they (and I) were all tired; rushing around like a madwomen trying to get everything done.
Nowadays, I work part-time which suits me well. Financially it can be tight, but I get to pick the girls up from school and fit everything else in.
Whichever role you take on, it's going to have it's pluses and minuses.
I wonder if you have spoken to your lovely sounding husband about this? He obviously cares about you, and instead of making light of it tell him that, in fact, you would really benefit from some free time. Give it a go. Good luck. x
Aawh sweetie, it's so very hard isn't it ? you always think other people's lives are easier and happier but they're not, just different. I'm not overly fond of Saturdays either (kids with their dad, friends with their hubbies, himself at work etc)
I'll let you have all the fudge cake if I can have a slice of their chocolate cheesecake.
Lots and lots of love from your auntie xxxx
Ok, call me a devil bitch (it would be true) but there is NO WAY I would be a big enough woman to let the CFO disappear for such a big chunk of the weekend. Ergo, you are a saint CTTF. No wonder you are feeling like you need more chocolate cake.
Hi Confused,
Sorry to hear you're having a hard time, it sounds tough, so sending you a virtual hug. Although I've got my hub 24/7 (can have the opposite effect sometimes!), I miss my friends terribly living in the middle of nowhere in a different country and so can understand your feelings from that point of view. Like you say, when a different period of our life starts we look back with rose tinted glassess. What a mad bunch we are.
Take Care!
It is hard, isn't it? I so know what you mean about pounding the pavements with the buggy. And as for looking back on it one day, well they aren't called rose-tinted specs for nothing.
Perhaps you could take up a sport that you just can't miss either? Like sitting in the jacuzzi at a health club? You could do it on alternate Saturdays!
And, if you ever fancy coming and pounding the pavements of Nappy Valley with me on a Monday or a Friday, let me know. We can even provide chicken pox.
xx
Oh hell, I saw that picture at the top of the page and dribbled.
Parenthood is fraught with those grey days.
When I worked I constantly wished I didn't have to so I could stay home with my children. Then I left work and being with the children all the time is too much.
You are absolutely right that more and more women are having babies in later life and so having to give up their career aspirations. And then your career becomes your babies and you just want to go out a do something, anything, on your own. I remember looking forward to going to the supermarket because it was 1 hour on my own with no one tugging on my clothes or making demands and I could actually THINK!
Big shared cyber chocolate cake to you my dear (cause real ones aren't allowed around here at the moment!)
Agree with Jaywalker - you are a saint. I hope your husband realises it too.
Sending hugs from here - but any time you want to sit mindlessly in an office all day staring at a computer screen feel free to let me know!
My poor sweet. I wish there was something i could say to you.
but all i can say is that i was once suicidal like you. sorry.
pregnant with one and pushing a toddler in a pram.
i sought solace with Mark Kermodes film reviews on a Friday on Simon Mayo's show. Daft isn't it. but you have to find soemthing somehwere.
Husband really got on my tits with going to rugby matches every saturday (we're right near Twickenham stadium) and i did put my foot down. it really was too much with all week as well. But i realise its harder with his football and that. And that its a part of him.
it will pass, CTTF, it really will. er- pass me a bit of that cake
Hello, it was a small step from smoking mum jen to your blog and that is twice in one day I realise that I did the right thing in not having children. I have a totally different life to you but do you know what, I also get a bit down from time to time, miss my parents (adult orphanhood), miss the good London job I had.
It's all about choice and balance etc etc :) Can you not all wrap up and stand on the sideline watching your man play footie, even for an hour or two each Saturday - or is it just 'not done'?
I didn't mean to go on so much - I just wanted to let you know that people with supposedly perfect lives on the outside also do get doubts from time to time.
I know what you mean, I want my mommy too! She lives 6,000 miles away.
Aww... Confused put the cake down and come here for a big hug! I know exactly what you mean about having the wee ones later on in life. I walked around the village pushing the pram, crying and thinking OMG what have I done?! I thought it would be easier at 35 but I was SOOO wrong! I do agree with Mud that you are a saint in putting up with the football thing every weekend- am not sure I could. Im very lucky and get a lot of support from Other Half... not a day goes by when I don't feel thankful for that.
You need some time to yourself more often - it is even more crucial with you having two kids Im guessing! Hope you feel less bluesy soon... before you know it the girls will be all grown up... and I'll have made a whole fudge cake (from a packet mix) and eaten it! Lots of love to you x
This could have been me three years ago. I too found comfort in chocolate cake!
I still have little ones but I'm finding it easier now although I still miss the status that goes with having a career.
It can be lonely but it is also such a special and short time, and a real privilege to be in a position for us to be able to not work and spend that time with our children when they are babies.
And remember... IT IS January - a bloody awful depressing grey cold windy gloomy month, i bet you will feel better in February...
As for baby number 3... ??!!
xx
I think you need to have some scheduled 'me time', though that's easier said than done, of course. If hubby gets his chunk of time for football, you need an equal chunk of time on Sunday, or Saturday evening or an evening in the week or something. An evening class, night out with the girls, something like that...
Hugs hugs and more hugs deareast CTTF.
first, I agree with all those who say you are a saint for letting hubs go out for 5 hours on a Saturday. i just wouldn't let Him Downstairs do that, call me a bad wife, but I would be a bad mummy if I didnt get a break from being lead parent on a Saturday. I need that time to recharge my batteries for a bit so i can be full of the joys of family time for the rest of Saturday and Sunday.
how we've compromised on each getting me-time is he plays his footie in the evening on wednesdays and i get to go to my book club / knit nite / movie dates or whatever once a week too.
As for time without the kids to do a shop alone, you dont get unless you ask. if it's one thing I've learnt from moving abroad where you have NO-ONE to support you, is that you have to put yourself out there. Ask a neighbour or friend to watch the girls for an hour - walk into town. take a mag with you and try it out. Changes are the girls will have a fab time playing with the other kids and the mum will be Ok as her children will be entertained too and she wont have so much focus on her for an hour.
It could work out and you could set up a mum/swap so each of you get a little time for yourselves to browse more yummy M&S goodies.
It is being the Captain of the home ship - but try not to dwell on the negatives and grasp every opportunity of the lovely stuff. Stop thinking of the waht if's....and remember what a wonderful mum you are and how beautiful and special your family is. Believe me, the grass is never greener on the other side. it had plenty of weeds too....
Love you xxxxxxx
Hello Confused
I've got in touch via Nappy Valley and I so feel for you. Can't count the times I have sat in playgrounds at the weekend with my four feeling like a single mother while the rest of SW London played happy families and looked at me thinking, "Poor woman, alone with all those children. I wonder how many fathers were involved and none of them wants to be with her. Shame!" I think the footballing husband needs to pay for a babysitter so you can have some much needed ME time while he gets his kicks elsewhere, pardon the pun. In our house all such perks get negotiated and there's no such thing as a free Saturday without pay-back! Go to!
that looks soooo good.....but l cannot bu cake or anyhting that l can make it like gets stuck in my craw you know...so off to see if l have the ingredients..Mmmm fingerlicking, good
Hey, Just checking in to see how you're doing, you've been a bit low so thought I'd cheer you up with a joke:
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
Go on, laugh, I know you want to.
MH
More Than A Mother - Thank you. It is lonely and isolating sometimes but it's also rewarding and lovely and amazing and eye opening and funny sometimes too. It is still by far the BEST job I have ever had. I just wish I could get a pay rise occasionally...;o)
SUpermum - I have spoken to my husband about it, but I'm afraid it falls on deaf ears. He loves me, he loves his girls and he loves football. Not necessarily in that order...
Auntie - thanks for your support as always. As long as I come out of this being as good a mummy as you, and get to go out and have sneaky smokes again one day, then that will be OK.
Jaywalker - Yes, you are right. I am a saint. Mother Teresa and me are uncannily similar. Except she is dead, and I am alive.
Frances - hello again! Thanks for commenting. Even though I am ashamed at moaning having been over to your place and seen the X ray of your back. Ouch. Hope you are ok?? Your blog makes my eyes go funny so I didn't get a chance to find out what happened...?
Nappy - How is the chickenpox. I may take you up on that offer. In fact Mom/mum is coming over from the US soon, maybe we could all meet up with the kiddies on one of the commons??
Tara - thank you so much for your kind words. I have been waiting for a blog from you about the differences you are finding about being at home. I am fine now. PMT is gone and I feel like a different woman!!
Mud - I do, I do, I do. Just a few days of sitting mindlessly in the office will remind me that the grass isn't greener. Hope all is ok with you. Just about to come over to yours...
Jenny - you summed it up completely. My husband gets on my (slightly droopy) tits too. Thank you for being lovely, as always. To me anyway.
Hello French Fancy, thanks for coming. I will pop over and see you. I LOVE your fondant fancies. Delish. We have tried going to watch him play football. The two year old runs on the pitch and gets the huff that daddy won't run around carrying her whilst playing footy. LAst time I gave her a fireman's lift outta there. Screaming all the way.
Thames - Aaah. I can be your bloggy mummy if you like? I will let you stay out til all hours, have as much fun as you like and I will try be your best friend rather than your mum - how does that sound? Thanks for visiting btw.x
That girl - Thanks for the hug. Do you think if I went to Waitrose Ringwood then bumped into Howard he would look after me on a Saturday? I bought a blue scarf from Hobbs Ringwood. Fact.
Ella - Being a mummy is just like any job really, you have good days and bad days. Except the salary sucks.
Elsie - hello lovely. I feel better already. I saw some blossom buds on a tree today, which means we are heading the right the direction for spring! And yes, I know I am lucky lucky lucky. I shouldn't moan.
Tasha - hi there, thanks for visiting! I have a girls night booked, already looking forward to it!! And when I am not so tired, I will get around to doing an evening class...nude still life anyone??
Mom/Mum - Thanks hon. I remember the weeds. There were many many weeds weren't there on the other side? It all feels like a different life now...
Hello Wife in Hong Kong. Thanks for popping by. I like the sound of payback...so four kids?? Wow. I bow down to you...
MH - you do cheer me up. I loved your joke. It made me laugh out loud. YOu are such a wally...
Helloo! Hope you're feeling a bit better? I think some you time is a great idea. Is it the white on black that makes your eyes go wierd? I'm ok, fell off my horse and broke a few bones in my back. I'll be ok after a month in bed apparently!
CTTF - would love to meet you and Mom/Mum when you're around...just email me via nappyvalleygirl@googlemail.com and let me know. Chicken pox is currently on its way out, but has been seriously nasty for Littleboy 2 and i would recommend getting a vaccination instead!
If I could give you a hug I would. I work and have fudgecake moments for different reasons. We all need a little bit of indulgence once every so often.
Gosh this post strikes so many nerves. I so know how you feel, not only do i have a husband who works but he is away 3 out of every 6 weeks to. He is in the armed forces so our 5 years are up here and we will be on the move again to start anew somewhere else, to build up friendships ove rnad over again, the plus side i will only be 20 miles form my mum this time, so watch out bedford there will be a new learner driver on the road. On the plus side i have a 15 year old and an 11year old who love their 18month old baby brother so i do get a little reprieve every now and then to have 15 mins of me time in another room hugs to you
nicci
Post a Comment