Other People's Children...

We have just had one of eldest daughters friends from school for lunch.
She told me I looked like a toilet.
A standing up toilet.
With hair and eyebrows.
She'd been in my house approximately 4 minutes.
She informed me she didn't eat crusts.
She didn't like cucumber.
She didn't like salt and vinegar crisps because they are too spicy.(what??)
She asked for some cheese.
I gave her some cheese.
She then said she was tricking me and didn't like cheese.
I smiled sweetly.
I found alternative crisps and gave her a small handful, the amount I allow my children. She soon asked for more, I gave her more. She then asked for more. I lied. I said they'd all gone. She looked me in the eye and was silently saying, I know you are lying because I can see the pack up there. She decided to let it go. She was wise.
She told me off for eating with my mouth open. I responded by saying, well you are talking with your mouth full. I was reverting into a bit of a child myself by this point.
She also informed me my sitting room was tiny (she's right, it's a Victorian terrace. They built 'em small in the old days for warmth. Not so suitable for the noughties open plan obsession).
She said her trampoline was bigger than ours.
She said our downstairs loo was small.
I offered her a choccie bun and said I was naughty as I'd already had one.
She said that meant I was greedy.
By this time I had no responses.
There is nothing like the truth that a four year old speaks.
So to sum up, I am a greedy toilet who lives in a teeny house with an even smaller trampoline.
I didn't realise that I had to keep up with four year old Joneses.
My self confidence is in tatters.